Lowewood Academy

Minutes of the Meeting of the Lowewood Governors

Wednesday 27th June

Present: Mr Archibald Shaftebotham (Headmaster), The Marquess of Bathwick, Lord Fawcett (Chairman of the Governors), Mr Henry Penry Ap Dafydd-Gwillim–Davies (Treasurer), His Most Majestic Prince Rahid Salam Sudansaram, Lord Jolly of Scone, Lady Lydia Languish, The Reverend Marcus Caruthers, Judge Herbert von Etherlink, RM, Sir Arthur Pantsdown-Smythe, Mrs Camilla Baverstock, Dr Egbert Probum.

In attendance: Miss Belinda Bellend

Apologies: none

Minutes of the last meeting:

These were agreed to be a true and accurate minute of the last meeting, with the following corrections:

• The Reverend Caruthers wished to stress that whilst he had certainly used the phrase ‘said the actress to the bishop’ he did not intend to insinuate that his own bishop, The Right Reverend Cramlington of Durham, had been involved in sordid doings with a member of the Birmingham Reparatory Company and that any such stories in The News of the World were foul falsehoods.

Mr Shaftebotham agreed that Miss Bellend would be dealt with in an appropriate manner for these typing errors. Miss Bellend protested that this was most unfair as it was not a typing error but Reverend Caruthers’s genuine misuse of the English language. Mr Shaftebotham said six extra for arguing.

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“Elizabeth Somerton, Mr Shaftebotham wishes to see you in his study at 4 o’clock.”

Why, upon hearing these words, did my heart immediately race with fear?  Because frankly, I can think of few sentences you could direct towards a Lowewood pupil which would discompose her more!  This was backed up by the whole of my history class: a ripple went through the ranks and many heads turned in my direction in blatant curiosity.  Their question mirrored my own: what has she done?

“Settle down please!”  Dr Necrophia dismissed the little first year who’d scurried in with the note from Miss Bellend, whilst I looked aghast at Jess.  What had I done indeed?  For once in my life, I honestly couldn’t think of anything!  She gave a small shrug which matched my own bemusement and turned back to her Stuarts.  With little choice, so did I, but I didn’t really take anything in for the rest of the lesson.

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Angus and I stood in front of the Headmaster, who reclined in his big chair and peered at us. In front of him, right across his desk, there lay a crook-handled cane.

“Now, Barnable, I have had a chat to your editor, and I believe now he has a better understanding of his duties. About time, too, considering that his time in the job is nearly over.” Mr Shaftebotham gave an ironic little laugh. “As for you… I believe, you are in his debt.”

“Sir?” I was puzzled.

“Yes, indeed you are. If I had your name from him a week ago, I would have caned you there and then. As it is… I won’t.”

“Sir?” I was too familiar with the Headmaster’s interesting sense of humour to be too relieved. There was a catch. There had to be a catch.

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